You are reading a “This Shit Will Kill You” Worldwide Exclusive:

Press Release

Fresh from her wildly successful and history making instructional cooking show “Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee”, Chef Sandra Lee invites eager viewers into her kitchen for an all new series, highlighting the struggles and challenges facing every day families as they attempt to find balance and stability in this time of economic uncertainty. Known for her trademark semi cooking style, Sandra no longer will focus her attention on vomitous recipes that will sentence your your kids to a lifetime of obesity and giving your spouses angina—she now has her sights set on bankrupting you both financially and physically! Chef Sandra Lee will demonstrate how to cook delicious, healthy dinners on a slim budget, that will make even the laziest frau smile triumphantly at her eager and starving family, and claim, “Now this is a meal I can truly be proud to serve. Thanks Chef Lee.”

This week, join the Chef in the kitchen for her debut, as she gives you tips on how to prepare a budget friendly brunch, using the same processed crap that you can find in your pantry. Right now! This instant!

First, turn that stale, week old bread into delectable French toast, coupled with a delicious brown sugar banana syrup that will leave your guests thinking that the syrup was made with actual bananas and real brown sugar! (A Sassy Note from Simple Sandy: scrape the mold off the bread, store in a Ziplock baggie, and use later as a blue cheese alternative on your salads, baked potatoes, or even on pasta!)
Next, using canned tomatoes and celery sticks, Chef Sandra teaches you how to make a delightful Fresh Asparagus and Tomato tart, cleverly substituting saltine crackers for pie crust! A fine dish that will surely have your guest reaching for the kaopectate.

No brunch would be complete without a divine, homemade French pastry, which is exactly why Sandra won’t give you one! Instead, Sandra will give you step by step instructions on how to open a box of donuts, carefully arrange them on a platter, and make them your own, so that your friends and family will never know your store bought secret. Or rather, they wouldn’t dare say it to your face and risk your rage.

Finally, in a family friendly version of her classic “cocktail” time, Simple Sandra shows you how to make a wonderful and kid approved “Virgin Mimosa”, which your guests will never know is just a cleverly disguised bottle of Orange Shasta!

So join Sandra in the kitchen, as she inspires cooking novices like herself, how to shrewdly get ahead, and how to fake being competent, without putting forth a lick of effort!

Through her impressive vaginal skills, drive, determination (did we mention her skills?), she is now a worldwide acclaimed home expert, chef, and philosopher, and can buy and sell your sorry asses with one wave of her perfectly manicured finger.

If Sandra can do it, so can you. Just be sure to marry well.

Be sure to also pick up her book, now featured on prime display at every major bookstore in the country. Because in America, there is no accounting for taste. Sandra Lee operates on this very theory.